An advancing melancholy.

After such a beautiful high, I feel it….

But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view
By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew

and it hits hard. This is what the ground feels like. This is what I feel like usually.

Who am I even kidding?

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insomnia

i close my eyes

then open them again

and i lay like a corpse but my brain is alive

and buzzing with so many thoughts

maybe its my choosing to sleep at odd times

maybe this is just how my body clock is

but no, i shift again

i let go

relaxing muscle by muscle until i cant feel anything

except my thoughts

please sleep i tell myself

why isnt the medicine working?

mind over matter, your will is stronger than the drugs, i reply to myself

bullshit i respond, you can’t fight biology

then why are you still awake?

fuck. i put a pillow over my face and my arms over my pillow

maybe the lack of oxygen will get me sleepy

well that’s morbid

got any other bright ideas? 

meditate? study? that makes you sleepy

i laugh at the idea, get up and open a textbook

sweeter than a lullaby, i fall sleep dreaming of chemical structures

what if?

what if i let go of capitalizing today?

or stop caring about punctuation

and just let my words flow from thought to keyboard to screen

what would happen if i stop caring about time

and how i never seem to have enough

or words and how they never come out right

what if i stop thinking about my expectations that i have for myself

and just live without pressures deadlines or internal criticism

how different would life be for me, if i stop caring?

would i wake up with regret, that I didn’t try hard enough?

Would I think that I settled for less?

Would I lose a sense of who I am? A sense of accomplishment?

It’s the battles that make you, I keep telling myself. But I get tired of fighting.

I wonder, is it easier to give up than to keep going?

It seems as though it’s easier for me to keep going…

And that’s kinda nice if I really think about it…

I’m not the fastest, or the smartest, or the best, but I keep going.

I continue.

Dream Job (7)

I realized that this question has been asked since probably we were all coherent enough to talk.

What is your dream job?

Well, I don’t think I have a definite job anymore. For a long time, I used to trick myself into saying my actual course was my dream job. That faux motivation helped me push myself to finish everything, pass what I needed to pass and get on with it.

But right now, my dream job would probably have to be in line with my mission statement: to help people understand themselves and treat themselves (and each other) with decency and respect.

And now I know that’s such an overarching, abstract job. But I don’t think I should conform my life to a job unless it fits my goal.

Now I’m lucky, my current career choice is in line with helping people. But I want to expand my role. Hopefully, I’ll find a way to intersect what I want to do with my career path. For the mean time, I think I’m doing my best with what I got.

Hardest Decisions (6)

I’m a giver. Always have been. Programmed into my brain. Don’t know if it was nature or nurture that made me this way.

If my id had its way I’d be dead. I’d give my life blood to everyone. I’d empathize with anyone who needed it. I would have volunteered my life away to someone who didn’t care, or just needed me for a moment.

I’d be in a dead end job somewhere, broken and alone. I’d be with friends who ‘made me happy’ but just needed a shoulder to cry on and leave when it was convenient. I’d be manipulated by ‘people who love me’ just to fulfill their whims.

I’d definitely be a different person if my id had its way. I would be outwardly happier. Internally… numb with no self-awareness. I’m sure I’d be better liked… but I don’t think I’d ever like myself.

So what were my hardest decisions? When I had to decide me over you. It killed me inside every time… because I’ve been brainwashed to tell myself that it’s selfish to choose me.

But once I started choosing me… I understood why the people around me are ‘selfish’. They weren’t idiots like me, one’s willing to kill themselves to make everyone else around them happy.