what if?

what if i let go of capitalizing today?

or stop caring about punctuation

and just let my words flow from thought to keyboard to screen

what would happen if i stop caring about time

and how i never seem to have enough

or words and how they never come out right

what if i stop thinking about my expectations that i have for myself

and just live without pressures deadlines or internal criticism

how different would life be for me, if i stop caring?

would i wake up with regret, that I didn’t try hard enough?

Would I think that I settled for less?

Would I lose a sense of who I am? A sense of accomplishment?

It’s the battles that make you, I keep telling myself. But I get tired of fighting.

I wonder, is it easier to give up than to keep going?

It seems as though it’s easier for me to keep going…

And that’s kinda nice if I really think about it…

I’m not the fastest, or the smartest, or the best, but I keep going.

I continue.

Influential People (9)

Who are 10 influential people in your life?

This is difficult for me. It’s weird how I’m surrounded by people I love, people I care for and people who have walked in and out of my life yet when you ask me to list 10 people that have influenced me, I blank.

It’s not that I’m not grateful to the people who are near me, who shine the way for me… it’s just I think that I’m more of a collaboration of everyone I’ve interacted with than a combined effort of 10 people.

Of course, there are standouts. The few people who have been with me for a long time and the people who I feel will stay with me for a long while. But there are also people who are long gone, names who I’ve forgotten, people who I’ve never met…authors, writers, strangers whose words and actions have impacted and molded me.

For all these people, thank you… for the good, the bad, and everything in between.

My Passions (8)

My passions are intertwined and I truly do find joy in sharing my passions.

  1. Psychology/MBTI/Philosophy – This is where most of my thoughts lie lately. I started getting seriously into psychology in 2014, MBTI late 2015 and maybe I’ve always been into philosophy. At least, I’ve always been thinking and questioning my beliefs and why I believe them.
  2. Literature/Writing – My earliest passion. I could read at 3 years old and by the time I was in 3rd grade I was reading classic novels. I love books and although I get overwhelmed by the number of books that I want to read, I still try my best to expand my knowledge through literature. Writing is more of a recent passion. I started in 2014 just on my phone. I would email rants to myself whenever I was upset and now I write all the time. I write in journal apps, here on wordpress and in journals in real life. It kinda overwhelms me to think that I will eventually have to compile all my writing.
  3. Science/Learning – I love science. It really brings me joy when things make sense and there is an explanation for why and how things are. I hope I never lose my lust for learning and that I’ll always keep my brain sharp.
  4. Helping people – It really brings joy to my heart to think that I’ve helped someone. It’s an odd drug, but I do feel fulfilled when I know that I’ve done something that made someone’s day.
  5. Yoga/Physical Shit – I saved this for last because it’s a recent passion. I’ve only done yoga since last year and I love it. I feel as though it’s a calming and healing physical activity for me. Recently, I’ve been more passionate at taking care of my health and body.

 

Dream Job (7)

I realized that this question has been asked since probably we were all coherent enough to talk.

What is your dream job?

Well, I don’t think I have a definite job anymore. For a long time, I used to trick myself into saying my actual course was my dream job. That faux motivation helped me push myself to finish everything, pass what I needed to pass and get on with it.

But right now, my dream job would probably have to be in line with my mission statement: to help people understand themselves and treat themselves (and each other) with decency and respect.

And now I know that’s such an overarching, abstract job. But I don’t think I should conform my life to a job unless it fits my goal.

Now I’m lucky, my current career choice is in line with helping people. But I want to expand my role. Hopefully, I’ll find a way to intersect what I want to do with my career path. For the mean time, I think I’m doing my best with what I got.

Hardest Decisions (6)

I’m a giver. Always have been. Programmed into my brain. Don’t know if it was nature or nurture that made me this way.

If my id had its way I’d be dead. I’d give my life blood to everyone. I’d empathize with anyone who needed it. I would have volunteered my life away to someone who didn’t care, or just needed me for a moment.

I’d be in a dead end job somewhere, broken and alone. I’d be with friends who ‘made me happy’ but just needed a shoulder to cry on and leave when it was convenient. I’d be manipulated by ‘people who love me’ just to fulfill their whims.

I’d definitely be a different person if my id had its way. I would be outwardly happier. Internally… numb with no self-awareness. I’m sure I’d be better liked… but I don’t think I’d ever like myself.

So what were my hardest decisions? When I had to decide me over you. It killed me inside every time… because I’ve been brainwashed to tell myself that it’s selfish to choose me.

But once I started choosing me… I understood why the people around me are ‘selfish’. They weren’t idiots like me, one’s willing to kill themselves to make everyone else around them happy.