An advancing melancholy.

After such a beautiful high, I feel it….

But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view
By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew

and it hits hard. This is what the ground feels like. This is what I feel like usually.

Who am I even kidding?

insomnia

i close my eyes

then open them again

and i lay like a corpse but my brain is alive

and buzzing with so many thoughts

maybe its my choosing to sleep at odd times

maybe this is just how my body clock is

but no, i shift again

i let go

relaxing muscle by muscle until i cant feel anything

except my thoughts

please sleep i tell myself

why isnt the medicine working?

mind over matter, your will is stronger than the drugs, i reply to myself

bullshit i respond, you can’t fight biology

then why are you still awake?

fuck. i put a pillow over my face and my arms over my pillow

maybe the lack of oxygen will get me sleepy

well that’s morbid

got any other bright ideas? 

meditate? study? that makes you sleepy

i laugh at the idea, get up and open a textbook

sweeter than a lullaby, i fall sleep dreaming of chemical structures

what if?

what if i let go of capitalizing today?

or stop caring about punctuation

and just let my words flow from thought to keyboard to screen

what would happen if i stop caring about time

and how i never seem to have enough

or words and how they never come out right

what if i stop thinking about my expectations that i have for myself

and just live without pressures deadlines or internal criticism

how different would life be for me, if i stop caring?

would i wake up with regret, that I didn’t try hard enough?

Would I think that I settled for less?

Would I lose a sense of who I am? A sense of accomplishment?

It’s the battles that make you, I keep telling myself. But I get tired of fighting.

I wonder, is it easier to give up than to keep going?

It seems as though it’s easier for me to keep going…

And that’s kinda nice if I really think about it…

I’m not the fastest, or the smartest, or the best, but I keep going.

I continue.