I put a band-aid on a wound that won’t heal.
I’m a giver. Always have been. Programmed into my brain. Don’t know if it was nature or nurture that made me this way.
If my id had its way I’d be dead. I’d give my life blood to everyone. I’d empathize with anyone who needed it. I would have volunteered my life away to someone who didn’t care, or just needed me for a moment.
I’d be in a dead end job somewhere, broken and alone. I’d be with friends who ‘made me happy’ but just needed a shoulder to cry on and leave when it was convenient. I’d be manipulated by ‘people who love me’ just to fulfill their whims.
I’d definitely be a different person if my id had its way. I would be outwardly happier. Internally… numb with no self-awareness. I’m sure I’d be better liked… but I don’t think I’d ever like myself.
So what were my hardest decisions? When I had to decide me over you. It killed me inside every time… because I’ve been brainwashed to tell myself that it’s selfish to choose me.
But once I started choosing me… I understood why the people around me are ‘selfish’. They weren’t idiots like me, one’s willing to kill themselves to make everyone else around them happy.
It’s weird how personality is a buildup of who you are. Yes, externally we are different from who we were at 16. We could act different, but that 16-year-old self, the awkwardness, the angst and the rebellion… it’s all still part of who you are. To undo the events of your past, will undo some of who you are right now. But if I could give myself a heads up right now, this is what I’d tell me.
Narcissism is a touchy subject for me because I’m very familiar with it. I’ve seen it at it’s mildest and at its worst form. I’ve seen tendencies within myself and within other people.
And the center of it all is our deep rooted insecurities. We want the validation that we’re not as bad as our deepest insecurities paint us to be. People with narcissistic traits want to protect themselves with their ego.
I have this problem. I feel often. I feel deeply. But I lack the self-awareness to see how I feel in the moment until it hits me hard.
And just give and give until nothing of you is left.
Who will be there to love you?
There are no guarantees.
That job is still for you.
Save some love for you.
You still have the rest to give away. 🙂