I’m a giver. Always have been. Programmed into my brain. Don’t know if it was nature or nurture that made me this way.
If my id had its way I’d be dead. I’d give my life blood to everyone. I’d empathize with anyone who needed it. I would have volunteered my life away to someone who didn’t care, or just needed me for a moment.
I’d be in a dead end job somewhere, broken and alone. I’d be with friends who ‘made me happy’ but just needed a shoulder to cry on and leave when it was convenient. I’d be manipulated by ‘people who love me’ just to fulfill their whims.
I’d definitely be a different person if my id had its way. I would be outwardly happier. Internally… numb with no self-awareness. I’m sure I’d be better liked… but I don’t think I’d ever like myself.
So what were my hardest decisions? When I had to decide me over you. It killed me inside every time… because I’ve been brainwashed to tell myself that it’s selfish to choose me.
But once I started choosing me… I understood why the people around me are ‘selfish’. They weren’t idiots like me, one’s willing to kill themselves to make everyone else around them happy.
I once heard, “You seem to only write when you’re sad.”
Well, I usually have significantly more interesting thoughts when I’m ‘sad’ or catching the case of the morbs.
Connect this with that. Internalize. Body language. Eyes avert. Note the context. Now repeat. Same eye pattern. Bingo. I see you don’t like this person. Avert the conversation to a similar context. Changed subject? Strike two. Rinse and repeat until I know your secrets.
via Daily Prompt: Pattern
Something I struggle with is being vulnerable. I have a front that makes it seem like I am.
Feedback is everything. It’s a motivator. It’s fulfilling.
It says, “Hey, you there!” Gives you a pat on the back and makes you feel like you’re doing a great job when honestly you feel like your work is a piece of shit!
Don’t you feel like your writing is a piece of shit sometimes? That no one reads it, therefore, no one cares.
“If a blog post was written but no one reads it does it even matter?”
Yeah! Because lurkers also read it! Just answering my own question.
But it makes me feel EXTRA AF when people comment on my blog on any form of media.When people tell me that they read my blog casually or people I haven’t talked to in a while say they enjoy a particular post. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING IT!
I really appreciate it seriously. Especially when you tell me what you like or don’t like about it. It makes me feel like it can only go uphill from here. Like this blank whatever blog will be better someday somehow.
I will never be perfect when it comes to writing but to have just a few people enjoy means a lot of me cause these blogs weren’t even really made for entertainment. It’s just for my release, my expression, but when I receive a compliment on here it means so much more because I try to be as honest as I can be on here.
Shout out to my friends who inspire me to write about most of these things. My discussions with you guys are an inspiration for this blog. Inspiration in my life! You guys keep shit interesting and I’m happy for that since it feel like I have a boring life but I’m thankful at the very least I don’t have boring thoughts.
If you like commenting, please do. I appreciate it immensely.
Isn’t it sad that women have to carry the burden of birth completely alone?
And isn’t sad that men can never create a life on their own?
… a reading Decathlon that is. I have always been a fast reader but I have never tested myself to see if I can read 10 books in 10 days.
Click below if you want to see my plan of attack, the real secret to why I read fast and the 10 books I’m going to read for the next 10 days. Continue reading