Influential People (9)

Who are 10 influential people in your life?

This is difficult for me. It’s weird how I’m surrounded by people I love, people I care for and people who have walked in and out of my life yet when you ask me to list 10 people that have influenced me, I blank.

It’s not that I’m not grateful to the people who are near me, who shine the way for me… it’s just I think that I’m more of a collaboration of everyone I’ve interacted with than a combined effort of 10 people.

Of course, there are standouts. The few people who have been with me for a long time and the people who I feel will stay with me for a long while. But there are also people who are long gone, names who I’ve forgotten, people who I’ve never met…authors, writers, strangers whose words and actions have impacted and molded me.

For all these people, thank you… for the good, the bad, and everything in between.

Hardest Decisions (6)

I’m a giver. Always have been. Programmed into my brain. Don’t know if it was nature or nurture that made me this way.

If my id had its way I’d be dead. I’d give my life blood to everyone. I’d empathize with anyone who needed it. I would have volunteered my life away to someone who didn’t care, or just needed me for a moment.

I’d be in a dead end job somewhere, broken and alone. I’d be with friends who ‘made me happy’ but just needed a shoulder to cry on and leave when it was convenient. I’d be manipulated by ‘people who love me’ just to fulfill their whims.

I’d definitely be a different person if my id had its way. I would be outwardly happier. Internally… numb with no self-awareness. I’m sure I’d be better liked… but I don’t think I’d ever like myself.

So what were my hardest decisions? When I had to decide me over you. It killed me inside every time… because I’ve been brainwashed to tell myself that it’s selfish to choose me.

But once I started choosing me… I understood why the people around me are ‘selfish’. They weren’t idiots like me, one’s willing to kill themselves to make everyone else around them happy.

Things that make me happy (5)

I notice the first things that come to mind when it comes to happiness is freedom. It’s the theme of my happiness.

  1. The freedom to be me. One of the most retraining things I go through daily is ‘editing’ myself to be around certain people. There is a level of how much of myself I show people and there are people who I have high walls around. It doesn’t help that I have to be around people like this often. I always feel like I’m acting around them and it would bring me joy to just be myself again. Say what I want to. Hold opinions and share them without consequence. It would bring me so much joy.
  2. The freedom to do what I want, not just what I need to. I know this freedom takes a lot to achieve. It’s financial in nature and I’m slowly working my way through this. I don’t have a lot of attachment toward money, but I know that being financially independent is important to achieve my goals (which will ultimately make me happier).
  3. The freedom from judgment. This is tied to the first freedom but it’s more specific and a little more… dreamy. There was a point in my life where I was surrounded by people who I can just be myself around without fear of being judged (harshly or negatively) and it would be nice to feel that again. To be around people who try to understand me.
  4. The freedom to go where I please. Because I’d love to explore more of the world.
  5. The freedom from time. The impossible dream… it would make me happy to think that I have all the time in the world…

Honestly, most of these are achievable. Some are impossible, but it’s okay. I’m always searching… reaching and I know that highs come with lows.

Things I’d Tell Myself At 16 (4)

It’s weird how personality is a buildup of who you are. Yes, externally we are different from who we were at 16. We could act different, but that 16-year-old self, the awkwardness, the angst and the rebellion… it’s all still part of who you are. To undo the events of your past, will undo some of who you are right now. But if I could give myself a heads up right now, this is what I’d tell me.

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