Hardest Decisions (6)

I’m a giver. Always have been. Programmed into my brain. Don’t know if it was nature or nurture that made me this way.

If my id had its way I’d be dead. I’d give my life blood to everyone. I’d empathize with anyone who needed it. I would have volunteered my life away to someone who didn’t care, or just needed me for a moment.

I’d be in a dead end job somewhere, broken and alone. I’d be with friends who ‘made me happy’ but just needed a shoulder to cry on and leave when it was convenient. I’d be manipulated by ‘people who love me’ just to fulfill their whims.

I’d definitely be a different person if my id had its way. I would be outwardly happier. Internally… numb with no self-awareness. I’m sure I’d be better liked… but I don’t think I’d ever like myself.

So what were my hardest decisions? When I had to decide me over you. It killed me inside every time… because I’ve been brainwashed to tell myself that it’s selfish to choose me.

But once I started choosing me… I understood why the people around me are ‘selfish’. They weren’t idiots like me, one’s willing to kill themselves to make everyone else around them happy.

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