After such a beautiful high, I feel it….
But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view
By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew
and it hits hard. This is what the ground feels like. This is what I feel like usually.
Who am I even kidding?
i close my eyes
then open them again
and i lay like a corpse but my brain is alive
and buzzing with so many thoughts
maybe its my choosing to sleep at odd times
maybe this is just how my body clock is
but no, i shift again
i let go
relaxing muscle by muscle until i cant feel anything
except my thoughts
please sleep i tell myself
why isnt the medicine working?
mind over matter, your will is stronger than the drugs, i reply to myself
bullshit i respond, you can’t fight biology
then why are you still awake?
fuck. i put a pillow over my face and my arms over my pillow
maybe the lack of oxygen will get me sleepy
well that’s morbid
got any other bright ideas?
meditate? study? that makes you sleepy
i laugh at the idea, get up and open a textbook
sweeter than a lullaby, i fall sleep dreaming of chemical structures
what if i let go of capitalizing today?
or stop caring about punctuation
and just let my words flow from thought to keyboard to screen
what would happen if i stop caring about time
and how i never seem to have enough
or words and how they never come out right
what if i stop thinking about my expectations that i have for myself
and just live without pressures deadlines or internal criticism
how different would life be for me, if i stop caring?
would i wake up with regret, that I didn’t try hard enough?
Would I think that I settled for less?
Would I lose a sense of who I am? A sense of accomplishment?
It’s the battles that make you, I keep telling myself. But I get tired of fighting.
I wonder, is it easier to give up than to keep going?
It seems as though it’s easier for me to keep going…
And that’s kinda nice if I really think about it…
I’m not the fastest, or the smartest, or the best, but I keep going.
How do I pick myself up if I can’t admit I’ve fallen?
I’m crawling on my hands and knees looking up, pretending I’m walking. How idiotic.
I put a band-aid on a wound that won’t heal.
I realized that this question has been asked since probably we were all coherent enough to talk.
What is your dream job?
Well, I don’t think I have a definite job anymore. For a long time, I used to trick myself into saying my actual course was my dream job. That faux motivation helped me push myself to finish everything, pass what I needed to pass and get on with it.
But right now, my dream job would probably have to be in line with my mission statement: to help people understand themselves and treat themselves (and each other) with decency and respect.
And now I know that’s such an overarching, abstract job. But I don’t think I should conform my life to a job unless it fits my goal.
Now I’m lucky, my current career choice is in line with helping people. But I want to expand my role. Hopefully, I’ll find a way to intersect what I want to do with my career path. For the mean time, I think I’m doing my best with what I got.