After such a beautiful high, I feel it….
But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view
By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew
and it hits hard. This is what the ground feels like. This is what I feel like usually.
Who am I even kidding?
i close my eyes
then open them again
and i lay like a corpse but my brain is alive
and buzzing with so many thoughts
maybe its my choosing to sleep at odd times
maybe this is just how my body clock is
but no, i shift again
i let go
relaxing muscle by muscle until i cant feel anything
except my thoughts
please sleep i tell myself
why isnt the medicine working?
mind over matter, your will is stronger than the drugs, i reply to myself
bullshit i respond, you can’t fight biology
then why are you still awake?
fuck. i put a pillow over my face and my arms over my pillow
maybe the lack of oxygen will get me sleepy
well that’s morbid
got any other bright ideas?
meditate? study? that makes you sleepy
i laugh at the idea, get up and open a textbook
sweeter than a lullaby, i fall sleep dreaming of chemical structures
what if i let go of capitalizing today?
or stop caring about punctuation
and just let my words flow from thought to keyboard to screen
what would happen if i stop caring about time
and how i never seem to have enough
or words and how they never come out right
what if i stop thinking about my expectations that i have for myself
and just live without pressures deadlines or internal criticism
how different would life be for me, if i stop caring?
would i wake up with regret, that I didn’t try hard enough?
Would I think that I settled for less?
Would I lose a sense of who I am? A sense of accomplishment?
It’s the battles that make you, I keep telling myself. But I get tired of fighting.
I wonder, is it easier to give up than to keep going?
It seems as though it’s easier for me to keep going…
And that’s kinda nice if I really think about it…
I’m not the fastest, or the smartest, or the best, but I keep going.
How do I pick myself up if I can’t admit I’ve fallen?
I’m crawling on my hands and knees looking up, pretending I’m walking. How idiotic.
Who are 10 influential people in your life?
This is difficult for me. It’s weird how I’m surrounded by people I love, people I care for and people who have walked in and out of my life yet when you ask me to list 10 people that have influenced me, I blank.
It’s not that I’m not grateful to the people who are near me, who shine the way for me… it’s just I think that I’m more of a collaboration of everyone I’ve interacted with than a combined effort of 10 people.
Of course, there are standouts. The few people who have been with me for a long time and the people who I feel will stay with me for a long while. But there are also people who are long gone, names who I’ve forgotten, people who I’ve never met…authors, writers, strangers whose words and actions have impacted and molded me.
For all these people, thank you… for the good, the bad, and everything in between.
I put a band-aid on a wound that won’t heal.