I have this problem. I feel often. I feel deeply. But I lack the self-awareness to see how I feel in the moment until it hits me hard.
This trait of mine can be traced back to childhood. I’ve always been more concerned with the feelings of others (Fe) rather than deal with how I feel (Fi). Fi is something I shove in the corner and deal with when I need to, usually when it accumulates and I explode.
Fi is my bitch. She builds up like little paper cuts. Microaggressions slowly filling my heart until my Fe eventually switches off and then feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and unhappiness rush and tide over me. I feel like I’m not my own person. I feel like I’m a reflection of people’s perceptions of me, rather than a reflection of who I actually am.
This is why disconnecting myself from people is very important to me. I need it to realign myself with the values that I have established over time. Fe-Fi balance has what has been keeping me sane the last 3 years. After several emotional breakdowns, I try to catch myself before this happens.
I don’t like to think I have depression or depressive episodes. I have never been diagnosed with it. I don’t want to take away from people who experience clinical depression as if my occasional bouts of sadness could even compare to the despair that they must feel. Luckily, I stumbled across this old Victorian slang “Got the morbs” and it is a funny way to describe a terrible feeling.
I can’t deny that I feel like shit regularly. You can see it in this blog. Sometimes, my mood stems from obvious reasons. Stress. Life events. Tests. But other times, it hits me hard without clear reason or warning.
One trigger is the lack of self-awareness. My brain, when on autopilot, immediately dives into the emotion without taking into account what brought me there in the first place. Lately, I’ve been acknowledging emotional changes.
Now, I’m taking the steps to monitor them. I downloaded an app to see if it helps me track when exactly I get my existential crises and my morbs.
Here’s the Te information I want to obtain.
- the times of my highs and lows
- what are my usual positive emotions and what’s the cause of them?
- what are my usual negative emotions and what’s the cause of them?
- other patterns of emotions
Hopefully, this will be an enlightening experience. Emotional management is a life skill that I need to develop. Suppression or denial isn’t a healthy way of coping anymore. Time to gather data on this life skill before managing it.