The Next Step

Something I struggle with is being vulnerable. I have a front that makes it seem like I am.

I cry easily. I am emotional. I am expressive. I am compassionate to my fellow man. But there is a limit to this. If my soul was like a planet, the crust and mantle is made up of water constantly shifting and adjusting to the environment. The outer core is like a marshmallow soft and sweet, my emotional side. But deep within the core is steel. It’s hard, cold and hardly sees the light. It’s my internal detachment.

Today I realized that there is another layer within my steel center. A layer of vulnerability that I rarely let out because the pains are too hard to bear. I cannot face myself to share that pain. it’s so ugly even to me that I rarely show it to people, even the ones I trust. and honestly, because it’s my problem, not theirs. and it makes me sad and reaffirms my belief that is all inherently alone. I thought about how all of us are just small vulnerable people inside protecting ourselves. I swear that most of my personality is dedicated to people. my brother says I’m a violet lantern and it touched me because I really do care about people. but it saddened me at the same time because it made me think about how much I must protect myself in order to protect my vulnerable self.

But I also realized this, that when two people reach out to each other and allow each other to be vulnerable, it is an intimate form of communication. To allow another person to see your deepest fears, hopes and insecurities leave you open for attack and many people don’t like to be shaken to the core. Most people have their ‘planet’ personality built another way. They have their steel on the outside, with an occasional ocean of emotion surfacing, and if you’re lucky they’ll let their steel barrier come down.

Lately, I’ve been looking for the vulnerable child in each person. Some time ago, I learned about the concept of ‘the inner child‘ in a psychology book. In our subconscious, there is an inner child and an inner parent. The inner parent is the harsh voice that puts use down and tells us that we’re not good enough, not worthy enough and our inner child is our ego taking the shit and accepting it as fact. Sometimes it motivates us to prove ourselves wrong. Sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I learned that some people only listen to the voice of their inner parent and it makes them constantly live in defense mode. Their every move they make is in defense of possible haters, possible detractors, the voice of their inner parent. They are willing to change everything just to make that voice stop when in actuality, the voice resides within them. I learned that if I could train my inner voice to be kinder, it will make things easier for me. We deserve to give ourselves the most kindness and if we can muster that, then it is easier to be kind to other people.

Because of this, I was able to accept my outer personality.  I am expressive and I am emotional. I have an internal core of detachment but knowing me, I have deeper layers. I have an inner child I am protecting and I need accept her too. All of the scars, bruises, and wounds. It’s hard to recall all the traumatic events of my past, the past pains that my inner core has kept inside dormant for so long. At the very least, these experiences have not held back my advancement as a person. No hard feelings, but these transgressions need to be addressed because I need to stand up for people like me. I need to be strong but I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and allow human connection to touch me and to accept myself. This is my next step in self-improvement. I am excited for the next part of my journey.


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