My actual stream of consciousness.
There is never enough time. It’s always clicking. Always moving forward. You don’t know what will happen next. You cannot anticipate every tomorrow. You plan each day as though it’s going to be the best one but each and every day is almost ordinary and the same. There are highs and lows. But there is monotony in all them. You spend most of your day in your head instead of the world. When you’re in the world you want to go back in your head. You like being in your head because you can control what is inside. You cannot control what is outside. What is making time go forward? Why can’t it stay still so you can take a real deep breath. You try to stay calm but you cannot control what is happening around you. So many things are happening beyond your control. The clicks of keyboards that seal decisions. The faces of people judging who you are. The thoughts of people who are not in the same room as you, not even the same city as you deciding your fate. All of the little things that you have been working on for hours, days, months, years… to be decided by people who you don’t know and you will never know. You crawl back into your head. You look at screens to pass the time. You want to know what they are deciding now. Now there is simultaneously not enough time and too much time. Not enough time to consume the information in the world and too much time to know what actually happens in the end. You are just a hunk of flesh with a hyperactive mind typing away like it will help relieve the deep anxiety within you. The anxiety that does not go away as you play it off. The anxiety that moves on to the next thing when this trial is over. The mechanisms and strings of society pulling at your mind until you unravel over and over again. You always bind yourself tight within yourself. Everyone believes you have everything together, but that just shows how good of an actor you are. You act the part of being on top of everything but you are just as clueless as any man with no vision. But you have a lot of vision, of only worst. You don’t know what will happen tomorrow. You are just waiting for it to happen. Tick. Tock. No amount of preparation can tell you what will happen next. No amount of contingency plans can really save you from the worst of what is happening internally. You sink back in. You reflect. And then become sick as you remember that everything you do is so tiny, so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that you flash back to the worst possible outcome. You have done everything and nothing can change what has not happened. You are creating your own anxiety. You are your own monster. You crawl out of your brain and back into the world. You move your toes and fingers. You take a deep breath. How long have you been hyperventilating? Since the start of writing this post? You tell yourself that it’s okay if you don’t know what happens tomorrow. You tell yourself you cannot control what happens tomorrow. This week or the next month. You can just plan for the best. Prepare today for tomorrow. Live today like tomorrow will get better. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. But you’re here right now. The only real thing is the clicks of your computer, your shallow breath, and the ticks of a clock moving forward.