The indulgence of doing absolutely nothing. It’s a privilege that anyone can have. Yet for someone with my mind it’s a luxury.
That’s what I feel like I’m doing. Absolutely nothing.
One of my favorite repeating phrases that one yoga teacher of mine uses is “soften the mask of the face.”
My mask lately is that I am okay, I am productive, I am studying…when internally I cannot do any of those things.
I am wearing a mask that I’m fine, when I’m not.
When you admit it that you’re not, many people tell you just to get out of it because it’s the easiest thing to say to another person.
Just stop it. You don’t NEED to feel that way. Why do you feel that way? It doesn’t matter. You’re better than that. You’re weak. Just be strong. You’ll make it through this. This is temporary. You’re not what you feel.
It’s funny because I do know all of these things are true. But just because they are true, it doesn’t mean that I can just get out of it because I realized that. Internally, there is something wrong.
Me trying to fix it should be enough for now, right?
This has been a weird year for me. I am a novel lover. Narratives. Strictly prose. But this year I decided to get my head out of my ass and read more poetry because if I survived (and liked) Shakespeare in high school, then I should be able to survive something new.
By the way, I cheated myself out of a novel for this Reading Decathlon. I guess Dostoevsky left me in a state of “luxurious inertia.” So I went back to my 2016 default of diving into poetry and I read Mouthful of Forevers by Clementine Von Radics.
…Marianne’s Gotta Be Honest (Totally ripping that line from mah boi) Marianne is going to address her feelings like a true adult and stop lying to herself that she is okay because she is not!
Hooray! Let’s begin!
I regret including Notes of the Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky in this Reading Decathlon… it’s a novel that one needs to ruminate on. Click here to download a copy from Project Gutenberg.
Because The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde did that for me. (Click here if you want to download it for free on Project Gutenberg.)
This is my 2nd book for the Epic Reads Reading Decathlon and boy it did it have my blood boiling.