I have panic attacks when I anticipate months into my future. I can feel it right now. The impending responsibility, my helplessness here in the present.
I detest thinking about how alone I am in this, how alone we all are when we take action in the present and forge a possible future.
Yet I am not alone right now. I have to be strong for the sake of others. I want to cry for myself. I want to be sad for myself. Be weak on my own. Put myself back together.
How long will that take though? It takes me 3 months to get myself out of this. I need to do this as quickly as possible. I can’t mope for the rest of my time here. I need to make the best out of it.
Get out of this Marianne, you cry baby. You can break. It’s okay. You can fix yourself. You’ve been through worse. You’ve built yourself from nothing. Pull yourself together.
…I don’t want today to end. Everyone is leaving. So am I.