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Haven’t you already been through this?

Realizing that you are more than a face on a mirror.

More than a body to be picked, criticized, ogled.

Why bring yourself back to those detrimental thoughts?

You are better than this.

I thought you were over it. 

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Every day I notice how people are less present and more stuck in the internet, in their phones, in social media.

What can be more appealing then systematically numbing yourself from the present. If it’s is not as exciting as virtual reality then what is the point of staying? Why not numb yourself and live in the fantasy of social media? Where people pretend to be people that they’re not. Where people forge an image of who they want to be yet do nothing to achieve it. Where people lie to themselves about their expectations and live in hypocrisy.

It disgusts me  because I used to live like that. I remember years of my life where I lived in a simulated world and I forgot how to live in the moment. When my phone was important the people who were in front of me. When games on screens meant more than spending time with people. When time flew by but I gained nothing.

How can we fight this sickness? How do we lift ourselves from our screens? How can we stay in the present?

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This is a blog post for the purpose of breaking my perfectionist standards of writing.

I will write badly out for the sake of practice.

My writing will have no point or purpuse for the sake of breaking my habit of never posting because it’s not good enough. 

I’ll never know because I never post them. If I never post them, I’ll never get feedback to see if I’m improving.

Well here you go world! Read this piece of shit and see if I improve.

Anxiety and the Unknown

I have panic attacks when I anticipate months into my future. I can feel it right now. The impending responsibility, my helplessness here in the present.

I detest thinking about how alone I am in this, how alone we all are when we take action in the present and forge a possible future.

Yet I am not alone right now. I have to be strong for the sake of others. I want to cry for myself. I want to be sad for myself. Be weak on my own. Put myself back together.

How long will that take though? It takes me 3 months to get myself out of this. I need to do this as quickly as possible. I can’t mope for the rest of my time here. I need to make the best out of it.

Get out of this Marianne, you cry baby. You can break. It’s okay. You can fix yourself. You’ve been through worse. You’ve built yourself from nothing. Pull yourself together.

…I don’t want today to end. Everyone is leaving. So am I.